Friday, November 12, 2010

Welcome to the Real America

Congratulations, America, you just survived another election cycle. Take a moment to pat yourself on the back. Done? Good. Let's get down to business.

SARAH PALIN CANNOT BE PRESIDENT.

I just cannot emphasize this enough. Before this election I, along with what I assume is the majority of Americans, never thought that a Palin presidency could be a possibility once McCain lost. She seemed so obviously unqualified that the idea of her being president was laughable. I've talked to many of my Republican friends who seem to agree that Sarah Palin is sort of the Barney Frank of their party - loud, obnoxious and ineffectual, but not a serious contender for real power (and yes, I know that Frank is a Senator). However, the time has come that we can no longer wrap ourselves in that warm blanket of common sense safety.

See, Sarah Palin is all over the place. I had never heard of her before McCain chose her to be his running mate, but I don't think a day has gone by since that I haven't encountered at least one news story about her. I used to think that like all fads, America would grow weary of her banal stupidity and stop paying attention. Then, on election night it hit me: I've been thinking that same thing for more than two years. I've been assuming all along that Sarah Palin was so stupid, so terrible that she could not hold the Nation's attention long enough to matter. Oh, how wrong I was.

Palin has managed to stay politically relevant despite acting like a retarded badger for years. She has drawn a following of loyal activists who love her rhetoric and parrot it all over the place. In fact, her rhetoric, for better or worse, defined the issues during this election. The message moved from, "things are getting better, just let us keep doing what we're doing" to "all Democrats hate the Constitution and want to euthanize your grandparents and make your children into Socialists." Even though that position is so preposterous that only the craziest could believe it, it has gained popularity and now dominates political discourse in this country. It's amazing to me that a half-term governor of one of the nation's smallest states can be so important, but there it is. It's happened. And I am scared to death.

Even though it seems obvious that Palin cannot and should not be President, that is not enough. Candidates don't win elections on the, "Are you kidding me?" platform. No, Sarah Palin is out there talking out of her butt on the issues and her opponents - including Republicans - need to attack her head on. We can no longer rely on the axiom that a Palin Presidency (see, it even rhymes!) would be disaster for everyone. No, we must take the time to address her on the issues and point out to America that her world view is naive and misguided and that her total lack of experience will hurt America. She couldn't even be governor of Alaska for more than two years, how can we expect her to hold the hardest job in the world for four or, heaven forbid, eight years?

But, if you aren't willing to put forth that much effort, then please, follow this simple advice:

Just don't look.

We'll all be better for it.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

An open letter to Microsoft

Dear Microsoft,

Thank you so much for making me update by XBox 360 firmware. It wasn't difficult or glitchy at all. I also want to thank you for making the menus a blinding color of white, instead of the much easier on the eyes gray. Oh, and I'm certain that having less cartoony avatars will make the 360 more popular since introducing them has had such a profound effect on sales. I know I bought my XBox so I could spend time creating an idiotic character rather than playing the awesome games offered on your system.

Keep up the good work, you're clearly spending your time well.

Sincerely,

Everybody