"Is this far enough, Master?" "Until the road dead ends."

I recently received an email from Microsoft about my XBox Live membership. I always enjoy getting these emails because they start, "Dear Lawjerk..." It reminds me that I am an overgrown man-child. Anyway, Microsoft wrote to inform me that XBox Live is going to include much more awesome stuff, like Hulu Plus, ESPN on demand, and so forth. Because these features are being added, and because it has become so much more than a gaming network, Microsoft states that it must increase the monthly membership fee by about $1.00.

Once again, Microsoft has proven itself very capable at screwing over its customers while simultaneously demanding more. I couldn't care less if XBox Live offered these other services, they suck. I tried Netflix for awhile, but the selection of streaming movies is so bad that I could only find a handful that I even kind of wanted to see. On top of that, all of these other services charge monthly fees above and beyond the XBox Live subscription fee. So, what Microsoft is offering is that we pay more to them so we can pay more to third parties for using their crap. But, because I have to subscribe to be able to play Halo online, I'm stuck paying it. I feel much like Carl under the influence of his own hypno-rims - being self-sodomized by a broomstick while thanking my tormentors for the experience. (See the quote above.)

Despite my anger and objections, I will likely continue to pay the subscription fee (especially since my brother and brother-in-law recently obtained accounts) and thank my lucky stars that I don't have to own a PlayStation, because the PS3 is really, really dumb.

"So, your job is you take things that are working and you fix them."

I recently came across this post on the official Kaysville City blog:

http://kaysvillecityblog.blogspot.com/2008/10/ponds-park-playground.html

For those of you not familiar with our humble little burg, Ponds Park is a park with soccer fields on one side, a baseball diamond, small playground and big hill on the other. Going from the top of the big hill, which was probably at least 50 feet tall, all the way to the bottom, so maybe 30 total feet, was a long metal slide. It was one of the greatest slides ever built in the history of the world. I remember being little and scared to death of going down it. I even revisited it as an adult and slid down it with my scared kid and really quite enjoyed it. During the winter, you could sled down the other side of the hill, or if you were crazy, down the slide itself. I'm sure many horny teens lost their precious virginity near that hill (in Kaysville, kissing someone is as scandalous as intercourse is in other places).

Well, now, it is no more. The city, in their infinite wisdom, decided to bulldoze a perfectly fine, even great hill, and replace it with something more dangerous that fewer kids can use. Ironically, the author of the city's blog even recognizes this fact:

"The slide was fun for children, but we hope they will enjoy the climbing rock as much as they did the big slide."

So, to the then mayor and the city council, I say with all due respect (none), that you are retarded.

"It's time to use our most powerful weapon - the lawyers."

Devotees will know that I am a lawyer by trade. I practice primarily in the areas of construction and labor/employment law (yes, labor and employment law are different) in Utah. I haven't been practicing long, but I've learned two important rules to help you avoid legal problems in Utah construction.

1. Don't get into a project for more than you're willing to walk away from.

Most of the cases I'm involved in are being prosecuted by contractors who are trying to get paid. Too often, they don't just want the money - they need it. If they don't get paid, their business will go under and they'll be forced to declare bankruptcy. This is an avoidable situation. If you get to the point on a project that you are owed so much money that you need it, you've gone too far. Pull out of the project before then and demand payment. If they can't pay you now, odds are they won't be able to later.

There are two corollaries to this rule: First, understand that to collect money, you must spend money. All major collection requires attorney intervention and we are not cheap. Usually, the attorneys' fees have triple or quadruple the amount owed if the case goes all the way to trial. Second, follow my huggin' advice. If I tell you to file something, do it. If I tell you to stop paying someone, stop. And so forth. You don't pay me for the sound of my voice, you pay me for my powerful brain.

2. Just because you're a good craftsman, doesn't mean you're a good businessman.

Many, many, many contractors suffer from this problem. They seem to think that just because they're good behind a shovel, they also know about accounting, tax laws, labor laws, corporate filings, and so forth. If you are a contractor, you need to learn the difference between good craftsmanship and good business. Despite what our retarded Republican leaders think, the free market does not always allow the cream to rise to the top. Business is cutthroat, difficult and requires a specific skill set for success. Few people have it which is why so few of these businesses succeed.

In Utah, the state legislature has passed laws that make it very easy for people to start new businesses. They think this encourages innovation. I disagree, but whatever. What really happens is that when these businesses fail (as they usually do), they leave behind them an army of unpaid creditors, employees, suppliers, banks, property owners, etc. who have to clean up their mess. It's dumb.

Therefore, if you are good at something construction-related, make sure you find someone who is good at business. Without both parts, all you have is a one-cheek butt - and it's full of crap.

Le Spam

Lately, I've been getting a lot of spam comments. It's not an unmanageable number, so I'm not inclined to change my open comment policy. Plus, some of them are funny. One comment, touting the benefits of a "HYIP", or "high-yield investment program", started with the following line:

Hi there!
I would like to burn a theme at this forum.

A lot of people would annoyed by this spam offer, but I'm not. First, the commenter starts with a very peppy introduction. It's informal, personal, and full of energy (note the exclamation point). Second, he uses the awesome phrase "burn a theme". I don't know what that means, but I'm going to start using it. Third, and finally, he calls my blog a "forum". I'm touched. I thought that most forums required some critical mass of participation to be considered a forum, but I guess I was wrong. It's not to say that I'm not grateful to my few, but faithful followers (alliteration, baby!), it's just that only a handful of people in the world see fit to visit the home of my bizarre rants, so I didn't think I had risen to the level of a forum. But this noble spammer has provided independent validation of my blog as a forum, so now I am proud to say that I am a webmaster. (Not to be confused with a Moon Master.)

"The only industry in Hollywood without a soul is the music industry."

At long last, someone is suing "Avatar" for copyright infringement. It's a British Columbia man who claims he sent his copyrighted script to a bunch of studios, including Cameron's, for production. The lawsuit is pending in America's Hat, so it's not important, but the point is that someone is finally calling out Cameron on his story idea.

To which I say: get over yourself, hugger.

Let me begin by saying that I have not, and likely will not, see Avatar. I hated Titanic and I will never forgive Cameron for it. The coolness of Cameron's pre-Titanic movies comes close to saving him from the public flogging he so richly deserves. Not even his awesome alliance with the Laser Cats can save him. The fact that Titanic outgrossed Star Wars just sickens me and he can choke on his stupid Oscar forever.

Despite my bitterness toward Mr. Cameron and his mind-raping adventure, I have to disagree with Mr. Canadia's claim that he thought up "Avatar" before Cameron did. No sir, many, many people thought up Avatar before Cameron did, and even before you did. See, Mr. Canadia's screenplay was copyrighted in 1998. Let's take a moment and examine just a few examples of media that thought up this idea before then:

• Pocahontas - 1995
• Fern Gully - 1992
  
• Dances With Wolves - 1990
  
• Speaker for the Dead - 1986
• Dune (the movie) - 1984
  

I'm not saying that Cameron didn't rip off any of these works (he claims the movie is based on a dream he had), but rather, that these people all thought up this movie before you did, Mr. Canadia, so get in line.

Besides, Hollywood has been ripping off previous works since its inception. You're just one of thousands of people screwed by the dirty machinations of Hollywood. That doesn't make it right, but it also means that you're not special.

You're welcome.

I haven't watched "Lost" since the pilot. And even then, I didn't watch the pilot until it came on in reruns after midnight on Saturday nights after SNL. (Yes, NBC was running reruns of a popular ABC show. They did a lot of this in DC.) However, because I live in America and participate in society, I am vaguely familiar with some of the major plot points, including the "fact" that this is the last season and that all your questions will be answered.

Spoiler alert!

Your questions will not be answered. This show has led you along for years while completely bending your mind in on itself by inserting more and more ridiculous points into this plot and still you follow it. I predict that they will give one final test of your resolve and leave you with an ambiguous ending, shouting "Suckers!" on the way out knowing full well that you'll buy millions of dollars worth of DVDs in a vain attempt to get an explanation. (See: the Sopranos.)

Nope.

I could go into all the reasons why they'll do this, but I won't. Rest assured, they'll treat you with the same level of derision that I treat vegetables. So, I'll do you the favor of fabricating a plausible explanation that will leave you satisfied and not feeling like you wasted 6 long years of plot-driven forcible sodomy.

Yup.

My Theory:

They all died on the plane and this is the afterlife.

Now you may all enjoy the final season without having to spend the whole time guessing what is going on. The best part is that since they won't reveal what they were really thinking, you'll have no way of proving that I'm not right.

You're welcome.

"Hug you, man. Cover me!"

My little brother is coming home from his mission in a few weeks so we're going through and trying to repair the damage we've done to his stuff while he was gone. We did the most to his XBox 360 because until I bought mine, his was the only one in the family.

We went to look at it a few weeks ago and the disc tray on his XBox 360 wouldn't open. After getting the faceplate off and messing with it for awhile, we still couldn't get it to work. Finally, I broke down and looked up some solutions online. I found this page from the Microsoft support website. I thought I'd try it out and lo and behold, the instructions got the tray open. It even opened and closed a few times...and then stopped working again. After messing with it some more, I discovered that as long as there is a disc in the tray, it works. If I close the tray while empty, it stops working.

I'm mostly posting this because I appreciate it when other people solve their problems and share it with the world. I'm also posting it to create a record that I did not break his XBox. It was his sister.