"And now, kicking ass and taking minds, it's Mentok, the Mind-taker!"

I had my first trial today. I was only a little nervous, but it faded away completely when I walked into the courtroom. I was arguing and objecting and cross-examining just like always. It was a load of fun.

I love this job. I love suing people, I love sending threatening letters, I love arguing with other attorneys, I love picking apart pleadings, and I especially love going to court. The only thing that would make it more rewarding is more money.

The irony of today's hearing is that while I feel that I did a good job defending my client, my professional judgment is that he'll probably still have to pay the fine. Unfortunately, I don't find out for at least 3 months. Nuts.

[Editor's note: I won.]

"I'm sure they're very nice boys, but they're clearly nerds."

I am a self-proclaimed dork. I pride myself on my nerdiness and will often pit myself against other nerds in a nerd-off. I have rarely been beaten. Nevertheless, I find my nerdiness being challenged from all sides and by many unlikely people.

For my seventh grade class panoramic picture, I held my calculator (an HP 48G) up to my chest so it could be in the picture. When the picture was released to the student body, I was amazed at how many threats, including death threats, were made against me for my outrageous display of nerdiness. Of course, this only made me feel better about displaying my captivating mistress, Isabel.

Now, everyone from doctors and lawyers to real estate agents, construction workers and self-important mid-level nobodies in lame dead-end jobs carry a host of incredibly nerdy devices on themselves in ways that even I have to laugh at. I see people carrying giant pocket PCs in hip holsters. Holsters! Before, if I saw someone wearing their palm pilot or calculator in a holster, I had to suppress the urge to give them a wedgie. (I assume the holster is necessary to be competitive when facing off against other nerds-in-denial in quickdraw contests.) Even worse than the holster is the wireless headset. I'm not opposed to the idea of a wireless headset per se. However, I am opposed to people wearing them all of the time. I can think of nothing nerdier than walking around in public with a big ear/mouthpiece awkwardly sticking out of your head. Even I want to punch people like that, and not just for the rudeness factor. I wonder how many people would stop doing it if they realized that it is the realization of technology from Star Trek.

I suppose that I'm just bitter because my societal niche is being coopted. I define myself by my nerdiness and now I'm being surpassed by the same people that I resented for getting ahead in life by making fun of my nerdiness. Alas, being a nerd, I should have seen it coming. After taking away my joy, my security, my interests, and my self-esteem, it is only fitting that they should take away my identity. But I will press on, because in the end, my calculator is still way, way, way, way, better than my BlackBerry. Way better.

Tuesday night bar review

A few weeks ago, I had my first-ever court appearance. In spite of a whole host of things that went wrong, it was pretty educational. The most educational part was when I stepped into the hall to set up a schedule with opposing counsel. As we walked out, I smelled the distinct sifter of alcohol. I thought it might have been one of the non-bar individuals in the courtroom (who were a shady bunch since this was a criminal hearing), but realized I was mistaken when I sat down on a bench with no one else in the vicinity but my government counterpart. I have rarely smelled such a strong scent of alcohol as I smelled from Mr. Assistant Attorney General. I guess that’s why they call it the bar association. (Ha ha ha ha ha. I kill me.)

Note: The original title of this post wouldn't fit in the space alotted, so I am republishing it here:

“Honey, all this power of deduction stuff is cute, but I’ve got two lives in my hands here. Two souls depending on me giving the performance of my life in that courtroom tomorrow.” “Scotch?” “Hell, ya! Let’s get stinko!”

"And I knew that you wouldn't take the bus because you always say that public transportation is for losers."

I have been commuting to work lately which requires me to take an hour and ten minute bus ride every day. This isn't the first time I've regularly taken the bus, but it has brought to light several things that I would change about public transportation.

First, all riders must be required to have taken a shower within 36 hours prior to boarding. Apparently, if you take public transportation you are less likely to have showered than not. Along this same line, I would also change the way the bus recirculates air. Currently, it sucks in the air near the front and blows it out the back. This causes the stinky air to be blown throughout the entire bus. There has to be a better way.

Second, there must be no talking. I don't know what it is about public transportation users that makes them think that they can talk to you, but they ignore the fact that I'm wearing headphones and looking out the window or reading when they start to tell me about where they're going and why. It's very annoying, especially when coupled with my first complaint. This rule also applies to conversations between people who are riding together and people on cell phones. Because buses are noisy, people tend to raise their voices when talking and it makes an already irritating behavior even worse.

Third, Utah needs more bus routes. I have to ride for over an hour one way and nearly an hour the other to make a trip that takes me 20 minutes each way by car. I wouldn't complain except that my car route goes from one major road, over another major road, to another major road, yet the only way for me to get from my stop to my work is to take an incredibly long back route.

Despite these complaints, I am still grateful for the public transportation system that exists. While I would like it to be more comprehensive and commuter-friendly, I really enjoy some parts of it. I love Frontrunner because there are few things in life more entertaining than riding along the Wasatch front looking out a second story window into the backyards of trailer parks and low-income housing tracts.

"Somebody please give me a job. I play nerd. I do nude scene. Don't make me punch your throat!"

Today's post is going to follow a less traditional format. That is, it won't be following a format. I have a few thoughts about some random subjects.

First, Hallelujah, Obama's clinched the win! Oh wait, that was premature. Now he's won. No wait, it's still unclear. Aw crap, let's just call it and make it a reality. The press coverage on today's primaries has been terrible. They should just wait until Clinton concedes because until she does, it's not over. Party hardliners, including most party leaders, would rather see her as the candidate than Obama so in my mind, it's not over until she says it is. If she does eventually concede, I hope Obama tells her where to stick her stinking, party-splitting, overlong and over-boring sorry sack. Obama should give the VP nod to Edwards who bowed out of the race early and with class. Besides, Edwards will help sway Southern voters, a crowd Obama will not win with Clinton as his running mate.

Second, Congratulations to my brother who just birthed his second spawn. He labored for a long time and it was a very difficult and physically demanding process for him. And I think his wife might have helped a bit.

Third, I love the Simpsons. I love the old stuff, the new stuff and the movie. I love most of the commentary and I love owning the DVD's. I just wish there were some technology that would allow me to watch the episodes I have in random order. I could, but there are a number of digital intellectual rights restrictions, a lack of available technology and generalized laziness (one of my more common maladies). As an aside, I really liked this season's, "Apocalypse Cow" and "Any Given Sundance".

Finally, if there were someone whose throat I could punch to get a job, I'd do it. I wouldn't even have to worry about the repercussions because I know a good lawyer who can represent me for free!

"Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem!"

My state is home to a minor league baseball team, the Bees. They're pushing their season through a series of television ads naming the teams they will be playing against. I didn't pay much attention to the ads until I heard the name of one of the teams they'll be playing against: the Albuquerque Isotopes. Sound familiar? It should. Some of you may remember that Homer Simpson staged a week-long hunger strike protesting the relocation of his beloved Springfield Isotopes to Albuquerque! For a second I thought it might just be the result of poor research or keen irony on the part of the 'Topes owners. However, the Simpson's episode featuring Hungry, Hungry Homer (which is, coincidentally, the title of the episode) first aired on March 4, 2001, almost three years before Albuquerque acquired and named their team. (I apologize for the Wikipedia link, I couldn't find anything better.) I think that the Albuquerque team should show some class and change the name of their team to something more original! It just goes to show what kind of morons actually like minor league baseball.

Oh, wait. I just finished reading the Wikipedia article. I guess the team name was chosen by fans through a television poll. Okay, that actually makes it pretty cool. That, and I recently attended a Bees game and it was great fun.

Crap.

"Jerkface killed YourMom"

Star Wars Battlefront II: Great game or greatest game?

I love Battlefront II. I just can't express enough how much I love it and here's why:

First, Battlefront I was great. It was fun to get into full-scale combat in the Star Wars universe. In Battlefront II, they took the great things about I and expanded them. They added more maps, more characters, more units, and more options. A lot of people were disappointed that it was so much like the first version, but I disagree; I think it was great that they stayed so true to the original. My only complaint is that they left out the Rhen Var and Bespin levels. Let us pray they either release an expansion or include them in BF III.

Second, I love the frenzy of battle. I love how crazy battles can be, with grenades going off all around you, people falling to the left and the right, troops running frantically around the map, and the sheer volume of units on the ground - especially during the campaign. The game's ability to simulate battle is, in my opinion, unparalleled in the video game world.

Third, I love the heroes. I know that I might be alone here, but I love running around as Anakin or Obi-Wan or even Yoda or Boba Fett (but not Leia. What a loser!) and just blasting or slicing the heck out of everyone. Just today I got a 61 killing spree as Darth Maul. 61! It was awesome.

Fourth, I love the campaign. Not only is the gameplay just awesome, but the story is also way above par for a video game. Granted, it's coming from pretty good source material, but they did a very good job of finding a new and unique way of exploring the Star Wars universe. Plus there are no irritating accents to deal with (R6V, when will you learn?).

Fifth, I love killing Jawas. It's one of the most difficult scenarios in the game, but hunting Jawas is almost the most gratifying thing I can do in any video game.

Sixth, I love the control. I love that you can play all of the maps in different ways with different eras. I love that you can change the scores, who gets the hero, etc. I also love how much you can customize your controls (Infantry, Hero, Vehicle, Starfighter, etc.). It's unheard of!

I don't care what other people say, releasing a sequel that is very similar to an already near-perfect original is not a mistake - it's smart. Let's just hope that if they do decide to wide release another sequel that it will be at least as good as this one.

In conclusion, I love Battlefront so much, I want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant. Maybe our love child will be a great third installment that includes the missing maps from I and hero starships to boot.