"Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem!"

My state is home to a minor league baseball team, the Bees. They're pushing their season through a series of television ads naming the teams they will be playing against. I didn't pay much attention to the ads until I heard the name of one of the teams they'll be playing against: the Albuquerque Isotopes. Sound familiar? It should. Some of you may remember that Homer Simpson staged a week-long hunger strike protesting the relocation of his beloved Springfield Isotopes to Albuquerque! For a second I thought it might just be the result of poor research or keen irony on the part of the 'Topes owners. However, the Simpson's episode featuring Hungry, Hungry Homer (which is, coincidentally, the title of the episode) first aired on March 4, 2001, almost three years before Albuquerque acquired and named their team. (I apologize for the Wikipedia link, I couldn't find anything better.) I think that the Albuquerque team should show some class and change the name of their team to something more original! It just goes to show what kind of morons actually like minor league baseball.

Oh, wait. I just finished reading the Wikipedia article. I guess the team name was chosen by fans through a television poll. Okay, that actually makes it pretty cool. That, and I recently attended a Bees game and it was great fun.

Crap.

"Jerkface killed YourMom"

Star Wars Battlefront II: Great game or greatest game?

I love Battlefront II. I just can't express enough how much I love it and here's why:

First, Battlefront I was great. It was fun to get into full-scale combat in the Star Wars universe. In Battlefront II, they took the great things about I and expanded them. They added more maps, more characters, more units, and more options. A lot of people were disappointed that it was so much like the first version, but I disagree; I think it was great that they stayed so true to the original. My only complaint is that they left out the Rhen Var and Bespin levels. Let us pray they either release an expansion or include them in BF III.

Second, I love the frenzy of battle. I love how crazy battles can be, with grenades going off all around you, people falling to the left and the right, troops running frantically around the map, and the sheer volume of units on the ground - especially during the campaign. The game's ability to simulate battle is, in my opinion, unparalleled in the video game world.

Third, I love the heroes. I know that I might be alone here, but I love running around as Anakin or Obi-Wan or even Yoda or Boba Fett (but not Leia. What a loser!) and just blasting or slicing the heck out of everyone. Just today I got a 61 killing spree as Darth Maul. 61! It was awesome.

Fourth, I love the campaign. Not only is the gameplay just awesome, but the story is also way above par for a video game. Granted, it's coming from pretty good source material, but they did a very good job of finding a new and unique way of exploring the Star Wars universe. Plus there are no irritating accents to deal with (R6V, when will you learn?).

Fifth, I love killing Jawas. It's one of the most difficult scenarios in the game, but hunting Jawas is almost the most gratifying thing I can do in any video game.

Sixth, I love the control. I love that you can play all of the maps in different ways with different eras. I love that you can change the scores, who gets the hero, etc. I also love how much you can customize your controls (Infantry, Hero, Vehicle, Starfighter, etc.). It's unheard of!

I don't care what other people say, releasing a sequel that is very similar to an already near-perfect original is not a mistake - it's smart. Let's just hope that if they do decide to wide release another sequel that it will be at least as good as this one.

In conclusion, I love Battlefront so much, I want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant. Maybe our love child will be a great third installment that includes the missing maps from I and hero starships to boot.

"Charlton Heston Is My President"

No, he's not. I did however have another great shooting experience. This time I took my little sister and my wife shooting in the foothills behind my house. We started by shooting the .22 rifle which was an old pump action Winchester rifle (I can't even find a picture of it) and it was super good fun. I really enjoy shooting the .22 because it's like shooting a high-power pellet gun - it's all about precision rather than power. We had a little marksman contest and my little sister beat me but I feel no shame. If you knew my little sister, you wouldn't be surprised nor would you feel that I had been humiliated. She's actually quite good. While we were shooting the .22, my little sister said to me, "I don't see where the power trip comes from." I told her to wait.

We next fired the AR-15. It is so choice. While the actual bullet is little bigger than the .22 (it's only a .223 caliber, so 3/1000ths of a millimeter bigger - I think), there is about 5 times the powder behind it. That's a gun that lets you feel the power trip. It feels so sleek in your hands and its firing mechanism is just a work of art. We shot at an international law textbook that I couldn't sell back and we confirmed one of my theories: that if someone were to shoot at me with a handgun, the textbooks in my backpack would probably be able to stop a bullet. From about 50 feet, the bullet didn't even make it through the table of contents. On the other hand, it obliterated the pink lady apples we brought along. At one point, I was demonstrating how to fire it and I thought, "I'm only shooting one round, I'm not going to need ear protection." Nope. I felt like my ears had been punched, hard. It's a very loud gun.

After that, we shot a 12 gauge shotgun. Both of my chromosonally uniform companions had the same problem - it almost knocked them over. It also obliterated the pink lady apples, as well as the small bottles, the big can, and it blew this hole in Carter's International Law:

It would have blown out the entire back of the book had it not been on the ground. Clearly, my book would not have done much against a shotgun at close range.

Once again, this experience taught me some valuable lessons. First, the killing power of the AR-15 is incredible. On the marquee at the gun store they had the following two phrases:

Barak says you don't need high capacity mags - get some quick

(I know, they spelled 'Barack' wrong); and

Hillary says you don't need an AR - get one while you still can

They're right. We shot an AR-15 with 30 round magazines. The AR has an incredible range, is very accurate, and firing off 30 rounds in rapid succession wouldn't do too much to decrease your accuracy. If I wanted to kill a whole bunch of people really fast, that would be a pretty effective way of doing it. Unless you're hunting one of nature's super animals like the flying squirrel or the electric eel, you don't need one and you probably shouldn't have one. The potential for violent, illegitimate use is too great to justify allowing everyday people to own such a powerful weapon.

Second, shotguns are much more deadly than I previously gave them credit for. If you're buying a gun to stop intruders in your house, I recommend getting a shotgun. You can both stop the intruder and repaint your walls at the same time! Win-win! It's no surprise that it's so effective against the Flood, but I digress. My point is that if you're worried about home intruders or the government taking your food, a shotgun is a pretty good way of stopping them. It's not as kill-y as the AR because of it's limited ammo capacity and range, but it's still a very effective close range weapon capable of protecting you and your loved ones from the bloated socialist government that so greedily wants to take away your guns and rights. But mostly your guns.

Rest in peace, Moses.