"Immigants! I knew it was them! Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them!"

I hate Rudy Giuliani. I think that he is the worst candidate for president from either party. I would rather live in Ron Paul's magical America that doesn't exist than live under the oppressive hand of that self-important prick. To prove that my feelings about him are justified, I will post a series of posts concerning various aspects of his platform. While I do not disagree with him on everything (gun control and federal spending are possible areas of agreement), I differ with him so much on the other points that can't say his name without giving away my great contempt for him.

I will begin by addressing the most idiotic of his policies - those regarding immigration. Like the rest of his platform, he attempts to tie the immigration issue to the War on Terror (and by extension, 9/11 - an event for which if any good credit is deserved, he feels it should be directed at him). Giuliani opens the immigration section of his website with the bold claim that:

I will end illegal immigration, secure our borders, and identify every non-citizen in our nation.

I was skeptical. I went on to read his explanation:

Real immigration reform must put security first because border security and homeland security are inseparable in the Terrorists' War on Us.

Aside from the bad grammar and confusing syntax ("the Terrorists' War on Us"? What happened to the "War on Terror"?), his claim is not surprising - he has always tried to link every issue to the War on Terror. However, I do find his plan to be a bit surprising - surprisingly naive!

He proposes a four prong solution. The first prong is to "Bring order to the border" by building a high-tech security fence along the US-Mexico border. No doubt this will end terrorism because no terrorists will come into the country through Canada or legally.

The second prong of his plan is to "Identify all non-citizens entering and exiting America." This includes issuing "biometric ID cards" or SAFE cards to all non-citizen workers and students. This program leaves the gaping hole of recreational visitors and ignores the fact that we already do this using the passport/visa program. Aside from being almost impossibly difficult to administer, issuing a second form of ID will do no more to help track those who are still in the country and it will be impossible to issue SAFE cards to illegal immigrants. In addition to the SAFE card, he wants to create a national database of foreigners because all foreigners are likely terrorists. I'm sure this is because he doesn't think that our country's xenophobic mob mentality has yet risen to a healthy level of violence. We need to get back to the good old days of beating the Irish and locking up the Japanese. Besides, it's clear that no American would ever resort to terrorism to promote their agenda.

The third prong of his plan is to deport all illegal aliens who commit a felony. I might be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure that this is already the stated policy and existing law of every government in the United States, both state and federal. If he proposes enforcing the law with more vigor, that's fine, but he leaves a glaring omission in his policy: what to do with the illegal immigrants that are already here. Nowhere on his website does he state what should be done about them. Maybe he's thinking that if he turns America into a police state, they'll hate living here and move back to Mexico or wherever they are from.

The final prong of his plan is to "Americanize immigrants" by expecting them to learn English to gain citizenship. Again, this is already policy (they have to pass the test in English) and it ignores what's to be done with the millions of illegal immigrants who already live like shadows in our society.

At the end of the day, Rudy Giuliani provides no real solutions to the immigration problem facing our nation. At best, he proposes greater enforcement of already existing laws and shows no leadership or insight into how to deal with the far greater problems that our laws seem incapable of handling. Maybe he believes that if you don't do anything about a problem, it will just go away. After all, millions of people praise him for his handling of 9/11 even though he didn't do anything.

Maybe he'll get the answer during a spontaneous phone call while giving a speech to the politicians and celebrities that have endorsed him:

"Hi honey, I'm giving a speech to a convention of people who don't have a clue. Want to say hi?"