Welcome to the Real America

Congratulations, America, you just survived another election cycle. Take a moment to pat yourself on the back. Done? Good. Let's get down to business.

SARAH PALIN CANNOT BE PRESIDENT.

I just cannot emphasize this enough. Before this election I, along with what I assume is the majority of Americans, never thought that a Palin presidency could be a possibility once McCain lost. She seemed so obviously unqualified that the idea of her being president was laughable. I've talked to many of my Republican friends who seem to agree that Sarah Palin is sort of the Barney Frank of their party - loud, obnoxious and ineffectual, but not a serious contender for real power (and yes, I know that Frank is a Senator). However, the time has come that we can no longer wrap ourselves in that warm blanket of common sense safety.

See, Sarah Palin is all over the place. I had never heard of her before McCain chose her to be his running mate, but I don't think a day has gone by since that I haven't encountered at least one news story about her. I used to think that like all fads, America would grow weary of her banal stupidity and stop paying attention. Then, on election night it hit me: I've been thinking that same thing for more than two years. I've been assuming all along that Sarah Palin was so stupid, so terrible that she could not hold the Nation's attention long enough to matter. Oh, how wrong I was.

Palin has managed to stay politically relevant despite acting like a retarded badger for years. She has drawn a following of loyal activists who love her rhetoric and parrot it all over the place. In fact, her rhetoric, for better or worse, defined the issues during this election. The message moved from, "things are getting better, just let us keep doing what we're doing" to "all Democrats hate the Constitution and want to euthanize your grandparents and make your children into Socialists." Even though that position is so preposterous that only the craziest could believe it, it has gained popularity and now dominates political discourse in this country. It's amazing to me that a half-term governor of one of the nation's smallest states can be so important, but there it is. It's happened. And I am scared to death.

Even though it seems obvious that Palin cannot and should not be President, that is not enough. Candidates don't win elections on the, "Are you kidding me?" platform. No, Sarah Palin is out there talking out of her butt on the issues and her opponents - including Republicans - need to attack her head on. We can no longer rely on the axiom that a Palin Presidency (see, it even rhymes!) would be disaster for everyone. No, we must take the time to address her on the issues and point out to America that her world view is naive and misguided and that her total lack of experience will hurt America. She couldn't even be governor of Alaska for more than two years, how can we expect her to hold the hardest job in the world for four or, heaven forbid, eight years?

But, if you aren't willing to put forth that much effort, then please, follow this simple advice:

Just don't look.

We'll all be better for it.

An open letter to Microsoft

Dear Microsoft,

Thank you so much for making me update by XBox 360 firmware. It wasn't difficult or glitchy at all. I also want to thank you for making the menus a blinding color of white, instead of the much easier on the eyes gray. Oh, and I'm certain that having less cartoony avatars will make the 360 more popular since introducing them has had such a profound effect on sales. I know I bought my XBox so I could spend time creating an idiotic character rather than playing the awesome games offered on your system.

Keep up the good work, you're clearly spending your time well.

Sincerely,

Everybody

"I want the people to know that they still have two out of three branches of the government working for them, and that ain't bad."

In my home state of Utah, we have been represented for a long time by Jim Matheson. He distinguishes himself from Utah's other representatives by not being crazy or stupid. He also has a pretty good record of supporting Utah and since he's been reelected like a million times, it's pretty clear that he's kept his constituents happy as well. (In the interest of full disclosure, I am a big fan but have never voted for him. Or against him. I don't live in his district.)

This year, he is once again facing reelection and his opponent is once again, an irrational moron. He's being opposed by a former state legislator whose name is also a euphemism for pooping: Morgan Philpot.

I can usually entertain myself pretty well during the election season by looking at the websites of the candidates opposing my preferred candidates and attacking their inconsistent and unworkable arguments, which they usually have in spades. But this year is different. I'm not that interested in attacking Rob Bishop because as long he keeps using campaign signs that only say "Bishop" in big letters, he's going to get elected. That, and he's seriously stupid. It wouldn't be sporting.

Another option is Jason Chaffetz, but even though I disagree with almost every word that comes out of his stupid, BYU-football, self-important, retarded, ugly, stupid, stupid mouth, I feel like I'm just yelling at a wall when I try to point out his stupidity. The people who like him do so not because of how effective he may be at representing their beliefs or the strength of his arguments, but rather because he spews the rhetoric they want to hear. They don't even care that he was completely owned by Stephen Colbert. That's why he'll remain an outsider and pariah in congress, at least until he unseats our resident closeted-homosexual, Orrin Hatch. Screw him, too.

I could talk about Mike Lee, but I just don't care. He's another Tea Party hack and they're all just crazy. It's like trying to debate a homeless person about the merits of cap and trade, but all you get back are conversations he has with the invisible person he hates. I'd rather just sit back and enjoy the show.

Which brings me back to Philpot. I would love to disagree with him and pick apart his beliefs because the doofus is just asking for it. (By the way, "doofus" was not in the dictionary, but "doodahs" was.) The problem is, I can't for the life of me figure out what he actually believes. He's got a bunch of generic "policy statements" on his website, but they don't really get into any substance. I could point out that his statements about immigration don't really meet the issue, or that his generic statement about gun ownership is the same claptrap every Republican uses, but where's the fun in that? It's just the same old rhetoric, from a new, somewhat empty-looking wannabe. (Seriously.)

So, rather than go through the same exercise again, I'll just post the results of my Google search when I went looking for something, anything to say:


That's right, when I searched for "morgan philpot idiot", the first result was that Sarah Palin endorsed him.

I rest my case.

[Editor's note: I changed the title of this post because I later realized that I had previously used it. Besides, I've been looking to use this one for quite some time.]

"Strategery."

I have spent much of the last month playing the latest in Bungie's panoply of great games, Halo: Reach. This post is not to review the game (although it is amazing), but rather, to point out the many completely idiotic tactical mistakes made by the Covenant.

1. Putting a bright light on your snipers. This makes them easy to spot and easy to kill with a headshot. While this isn't such an issue in Halo 3, it is in Halo 2 and ODST because much of those games are played indoor or at night, when the light makes the snipers very, very easy to spot, rather than insanely difficult. While this makes the game more fun, it's tactically retarded.

2. Trails behind banshees. Again, this makes them easy to follow and easy to kill. I'm sure Bungie did it for the same reason as the sniper thing, to make the game easier and thus more fun.

3. Bright, shiny swords on otherwise invisible dudes. While the invisibility makes them harder to see than without, the swords make them stand out more than a visible, non-sword wielding guy would. But I guess that subtlety is not the Covenant's M.O.

"Is this far enough, Master?" "Until the road dead ends."

I recently received an email from Microsoft about my XBox Live membership. I always enjoy getting these emails because they start, "Dear Lawjerk..." It reminds me that I am an overgrown man-child. Anyway, Microsoft wrote to inform me that XBox Live is going to include much more awesome stuff, like Hulu Plus, ESPN on demand, and so forth. Because these features are being added, and because it has become so much more than a gaming network, Microsoft states that it must increase the monthly membership fee by about $1.00.

Once again, Microsoft has proven itself very capable at screwing over its customers while simultaneously demanding more. I couldn't care less if XBox Live offered these other services, they suck. I tried Netflix for awhile, but the selection of streaming movies is so bad that I could only find a handful that I even kind of wanted to see. On top of that, all of these other services charge monthly fees above and beyond the XBox Live subscription fee. So, what Microsoft is offering is that we pay more to them so we can pay more to third parties for using their crap. But, because I have to subscribe to be able to play Halo online, I'm stuck paying it. I feel much like Carl under the influence of his own hypno-rims - being self-sodomized by a broomstick while thanking my tormentors for the experience. (See the quote above.)

Despite my anger and objections, I will likely continue to pay the subscription fee (especially since my brother and brother-in-law recently obtained accounts) and thank my lucky stars that I don't have to own a PlayStation, because the PS3 is really, really dumb.

"So, your job is you take things that are working and you fix them."

I recently came across this post on the official Kaysville City blog:

http://kaysvillecityblog.blogspot.com/2008/10/ponds-park-playground.html

For those of you not familiar with our humble little burg, Ponds Park is a park with soccer fields on one side, a baseball diamond, small playground and big hill on the other. Going from the top of the big hill, which was probably at least 50 feet tall, all the way to the bottom, so maybe 30 total feet, was a long metal slide. It was one of the greatest slides ever built in the history of the world. I remember being little and scared to death of going down it. I even revisited it as an adult and slid down it with my scared kid and really quite enjoyed it. During the winter, you could sled down the other side of the hill, or if you were crazy, down the slide itself. I'm sure many horny teens lost their precious virginity near that hill (in Kaysville, kissing someone is as scandalous as intercourse is in other places).

Well, now, it is no more. The city, in their infinite wisdom, decided to bulldoze a perfectly fine, even great hill, and replace it with something more dangerous that fewer kids can use. Ironically, the author of the city's blog even recognizes this fact:

"The slide was fun for children, but we hope they will enjoy the climbing rock as much as they did the big slide."

So, to the then mayor and the city council, I say with all due respect (none), that you are retarded.

"It's time to use our most powerful weapon - the lawyers."

Devotees will know that I am a lawyer by trade. I practice primarily in the areas of construction and labor/employment law (yes, labor and employment law are different) in Utah. I haven't been practicing long, but I've learned two important rules to help you avoid legal problems in Utah construction.

1. Don't get into a project for more than you're willing to walk away from.

Most of the cases I'm involved in are being prosecuted by contractors who are trying to get paid. Too often, they don't just want the money - they need it. If they don't get paid, their business will go under and they'll be forced to declare bankruptcy. This is an avoidable situation. If you get to the point on a project that you are owed so much money that you need it, you've gone too far. Pull out of the project before then and demand payment. If they can't pay you now, odds are they won't be able to later.

There are two corollaries to this rule: First, understand that to collect money, you must spend money. All major collection requires attorney intervention and we are not cheap. Usually, the attorneys' fees have triple or quadruple the amount owed if the case goes all the way to trial. Second, follow my huggin' advice. If I tell you to file something, do it. If I tell you to stop paying someone, stop. And so forth. You don't pay me for the sound of my voice, you pay me for my powerful brain.

2. Just because you're a good craftsman, doesn't mean you're a good businessman.

Many, many, many contractors suffer from this problem. They seem to think that just because they're good behind a shovel, they also know about accounting, tax laws, labor laws, corporate filings, and so forth. If you are a contractor, you need to learn the difference between good craftsmanship and good business. Despite what our retarded Republican leaders think, the free market does not always allow the cream to rise to the top. Business is cutthroat, difficult and requires a specific skill set for success. Few people have it which is why so few of these businesses succeed.

In Utah, the state legislature has passed laws that make it very easy for people to start new businesses. They think this encourages innovation. I disagree, but whatever. What really happens is that when these businesses fail (as they usually do), they leave behind them an army of unpaid creditors, employees, suppliers, banks, property owners, etc. who have to clean up their mess. It's dumb.

Therefore, if you are good at something construction-related, make sure you find someone who is good at business. Without both parts, all you have is a one-cheek butt - and it's full of crap.

Le Spam

Lately, I've been getting a lot of spam comments. It's not an unmanageable number, so I'm not inclined to change my open comment policy. Plus, some of them are funny. One comment, touting the benefits of a "HYIP", or "high-yield investment program", started with the following line:

Hi there!
I would like to burn a theme at this forum.

A lot of people would annoyed by this spam offer, but I'm not. First, the commenter starts with a very peppy introduction. It's informal, personal, and full of energy (note the exclamation point). Second, he uses the awesome phrase "burn a theme". I don't know what that means, but I'm going to start using it. Third, and finally, he calls my blog a "forum". I'm touched. I thought that most forums required some critical mass of participation to be considered a forum, but I guess I was wrong. It's not to say that I'm not grateful to my few, but faithful followers (alliteration, baby!), it's just that only a handful of people in the world see fit to visit the home of my bizarre rants, so I didn't think I had risen to the level of a forum. But this noble spammer has provided independent validation of my blog as a forum, so now I am proud to say that I am a webmaster. (Not to be confused with a Moon Master.)

"The only industry in Hollywood without a soul is the music industry."

At long last, someone is suing "Avatar" for copyright infringement. It's a British Columbia man who claims he sent his copyrighted script to a bunch of studios, including Cameron's, for production. The lawsuit is pending in America's Hat, so it's not important, but the point is that someone is finally calling out Cameron on his story idea.

To which I say: get over yourself, hugger.

Let me begin by saying that I have not, and likely will not, see Avatar. I hated Titanic and I will never forgive Cameron for it. The coolness of Cameron's pre-Titanic movies comes close to saving him from the public flogging he so richly deserves. Not even his awesome alliance with the Laser Cats can save him. The fact that Titanic outgrossed Star Wars just sickens me and he can choke on his stupid Oscar forever.

Despite my bitterness toward Mr. Cameron and his mind-raping adventure, I have to disagree with Mr. Canadia's claim that he thought up "Avatar" before Cameron did. No sir, many, many people thought up Avatar before Cameron did, and even before you did. See, Mr. Canadia's screenplay was copyrighted in 1998. Let's take a moment and examine just a few examples of media that thought up this idea before then:

• Pocahontas - 1995
• Fern Gully - 1992
  
• Dances With Wolves - 1990
  
• Speaker for the Dead - 1986
• Dune (the movie) - 1984
  

I'm not saying that Cameron didn't rip off any of these works (he claims the movie is based on a dream he had), but rather, that these people all thought up this movie before you did, Mr. Canadia, so get in line.

Besides, Hollywood has been ripping off previous works since its inception. You're just one of thousands of people screwed by the dirty machinations of Hollywood. That doesn't make it right, but it also means that you're not special.

You're welcome.

I haven't watched "Lost" since the pilot. And even then, I didn't watch the pilot until it came on in reruns after midnight on Saturday nights after SNL. (Yes, NBC was running reruns of a popular ABC show. They did a lot of this in DC.) However, because I live in America and participate in society, I am vaguely familiar with some of the major plot points, including the "fact" that this is the last season and that all your questions will be answered.

Spoiler alert!

Your questions will not be answered. This show has led you along for years while completely bending your mind in on itself by inserting more and more ridiculous points into this plot and still you follow it. I predict that they will give one final test of your resolve and leave you with an ambiguous ending, shouting "Suckers!" on the way out knowing full well that you'll buy millions of dollars worth of DVDs in a vain attempt to get an explanation. (See: the Sopranos.)

Nope.

I could go into all the reasons why they'll do this, but I won't. Rest assured, they'll treat you with the same level of derision that I treat vegetables. So, I'll do you the favor of fabricating a plausible explanation that will leave you satisfied and not feeling like you wasted 6 long years of plot-driven forcible sodomy.

Yup.

My Theory:

They all died on the plane and this is the afterlife.

Now you may all enjoy the final season without having to spend the whole time guessing what is going on. The best part is that since they won't reveal what they were really thinking, you'll have no way of proving that I'm not right.

You're welcome.

"Hug you, man. Cover me!"

My little brother is coming home from his mission in a few weeks so we're going through and trying to repair the damage we've done to his stuff while he was gone. We did the most to his XBox 360 because until I bought mine, his was the only one in the family.

We went to look at it a few weeks ago and the disc tray on his XBox 360 wouldn't open. After getting the faceplate off and messing with it for awhile, we still couldn't get it to work. Finally, I broke down and looked up some solutions online. I found this page from the Microsoft support website. I thought I'd try it out and lo and behold, the instructions got the tray open. It even opened and closed a few times...and then stopped working again. After messing with it some more, I discovered that as long as there is a disc in the tray, it works. If I close the tray while empty, it stops working.

I'm mostly posting this because I appreciate it when other people solve their problems and share it with the world. I'm also posting it to create a record that I did not break his XBox. It was his sister.